2 Year Anniversary of Heartbreak and Healing

I was debating on writing this post today because I didn't want to come off as oh poor me.  Because that's not it at all.  I know of many who have gone through a similar experience and their recovery didn't turn out quite like ours.  But I decided to write this post to help with the healing process.

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of one of the most life changing events in my life.  One that broke my heart in so many ways, brought me so many blessings and made me stronger.  This is a topic I'm not sure I'll ever fully overcome.  The scars are (mostly) gone, but the pain will forever remain in some way or another.

It was 2 years ago today, Baby C was just 3 weeks old, and I woke up feeling pretty lousy.  I thought it was just from a lack of sleep, being a new mommy or maybe even a little postpartum depression.  I didn't want to get out of bed and didn't have the energy to breastfeed Baby C.  I just wanted to be left alone and sleep.  My husband called the doctor right away to get us in.

But then I started feeling worse.  I couldn't eat or drink and I felt as though I was going to pass out if I stood up.  My husband had to wheel me into the doctor's office.  One look at me and the doctor sent me to the ER.  Many tests were run but the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong.  I thought maybe I was going a little crazy, because weren't they suppose to be able to figure it out?

I didn't know that morning would be the last time I would breastfeed Baby C.  It was a battle we were already fighting, but I didn't want to give up on her.  I tried so hard to pump and dump but my energy was dwindling quickly.   So I was admitted into a room and waited to be prepped for a D&C. 

Once the surgery was over my symptoms only grew worse.  And I was rushed out of one room and wheeled into a private room, where later I found out I had an E.Coli Infection.  I was scared, alone and had no idea what that meant for me or for my baby girl.

I don't remember who came and went from my room that first day, but I remember feeling very alone for a while.  Sometime the next day, I found out why.  No one was with me because they were busy taking care of my baby girl and supporting my husband in the NICU.  It was the most heartbreaking news I ever received and I still cry every time I think about it.  Baby C contracted Bacterial Spinal Meningitis from Salmonella. 

I spent one very long week in the hospital away from my baby girl, who was transferred to All Children's Hospital about an hour away.  It was a week of so many tears, fears, frustrations and questions left unanswered.  I was strapped to a bed, hooked up to IV's and at the will of nurses and techs to take care of everything for me. I felt so helpless.

I struggled with faith that week, wondering how this could happen to us, my precious and innocent baby girl.  But during that time God brought me many people who came to pray with me and help me walk the halls to speed up recovery, including a complete stranger and a beautiful woman who is no longer with us.   He also provided me a special nurse tech that reminded me of God's word, Luke 17:6.

I finally left that hospital a week later with a PICC line in my arm and more prescriptions then I could could count on one hand.  I returned home with worry and fear, and unable to do simple everyday tasks, such as bathing.  I still felt miserable and saw the doctors frequently, only allowing me to see my baby for a few hours each day.

I was filled with mixed emotions when I held my baby for the first time.  I was heartbroken that she had pain, IV's and a PICC line in her little, tiny body.  I was worried that she may not recover fully and her life would be cut short.  But I was so thankful to hold her in my arms once again.

She had changed so much in that week we were separated.  I only recognized her because of her beautiful eyes.  Each day for those 28 days, there were new struggles and trials we went through.  And the guilt built up every time I had to leave her behind.

And so, we still don't have the answers, and sometimes those worries, fears and guilt pop up.  But we are so blessed to have complete physical healing and love and support to carry us through.  Thanks for being a part of the healing process. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11